The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
