WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
