Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
one might say we're banned from that church
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
