I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
