we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
