She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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