I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
