Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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