ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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