I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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