Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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