fuck your aforementioned shoe
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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