so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
