dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
