Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
