Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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