sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize