All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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