I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
