Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
