I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
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