I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
