Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
