I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
