He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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