i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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