I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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