Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
