I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize