i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
