Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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