it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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