omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize