If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
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