I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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