I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize