While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
