all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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