96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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