his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
