The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
