dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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