So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
