woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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