so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
