Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
