i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
