I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize