and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
