on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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