I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Randomize