i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
