she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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