I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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